I remember

I remember the times you forgot to tuck me in because you were so high you couldn't remember your own name.

I remember the nights i would wake up to find you gone. You wouldn't be home for days.

I remember the times I'd come home to see you scrubbing invisible dirt until your fingers bled.

I remember our door being kicked in and cops every where.

I remember you being led away in hand cuffs.

I remember losing you.

I remember waking up without you there to protect me from monsters.

I remember you were the monster.

@Jim Valvano

Dear Jim Valvano,

You are the name i pulled for my white elephant. This made me really happy, tbh.
Your blog has always been one of my favorites. I love the way you write. It's deep and honestly, knowing you as a person, it's what i never would have expected you to write.
Please keep writing, Bronson. You're seriously so good at writing.

P.s.

I have had a crush on you since sophomore year. Would you go on a date with me?

Excuse me while i bitch

I need to vent for a second.

If someone is very obviously suicidal, why would you tell them to kill themselves?

Do you take you take joy in seeing me hurt?

Don't you have any feelings besides resent?

I remember the look in your eyes when you said you loved me for the first time. I remember the way time stops when we kissed. I remember the way I always felt safe when you held me after we made love. I remember the way you gently wiped my tears when my dad left. Again. I remember the way you told me you will always forgive me. I remember the way you looked me in the eyes and said it wasn't my fault, when everyone else said I asked for it. You told me you loved me, and that would never change....

 It was you and I against the world... 

Do you remember when we used to lay in the grass, just laying there, content to be next to each other? 

Or the days we would text until I got out of school, and talk on the phone during my ten minute walk to your house, the conversations we held without words, as we lay in your bed, the hours long phone calls while we waited to see eachother again the next day?

Some love notes are written. But we made ours. 

Honestly, I'm probably not going to comment on anyone's reveals. Not because they aren't good, but because I have no words good enough to tell you all how much I loved your reveals. They are all so real... So raw and so you. Revealing blogs has been pretty fucking scary, but you've all done amazing and I seriously admire you all. Thank you for being you. Thank you for being real. I have loved reading your blogs and I cannot wait to keep reading and getting to know those behind the pen names..

So...
I swear a lot
I take a billion selfies but still don't feel pretty.
I spend too much time over thinking everysinglelittlething.
I'm kind of really a bitch.
Socializing gives me anxiety.
I had a panic attack in the mall today.
I'm kind of a total fucking mess.






I am Kellie Lees.

Honestly my heart feels like it is shattering...

Every time I see you, hear you or think of you, it hurts me.

You don't love me anymore and I hate it...

I hate knowing that I'll never again be held by you...

Never be kissed by you...

 I hate knowing that I'll never feel your lips tickle my ear when you tell me you love me while I lie beneath you...

I hate knowing that I will never be able to say "we've been together since high school"

You promised me forever and then you took that promise and ripped it from the seams...

You broke my heart and shattered my happiness....

I will never forgive you....

Blue ticket

Our hearts are wild animals.... That's why our RIBS are cages....

Instructions

In third grade, a girl at my new school told me "if you weren't so weird, people would play with you"

In fourth grade, a boy punched me in the face and said, “You’re a freak. You should work on that.”

In fifth grade, a girl came up to me and said "if you cut and maybe dyed your hair, we could be friends"

In sixth grade, a boy told me "if you lost weight and wore makeup, you would be pretty."

In seventh grade, people told me, “You should go kill yourself, you’re a freak”

In eighth grade, people told me, "You should swallow some pills and slit your wrists."

In ninth grade, a boy said "The sex is great, don't get me wrong, but nobody could ever love a bitch with a bunch of nasty ass scars."

In eleventh grade, people told me "you should drink bleach and be the next Amanda Todd. Life would be better for everyone"

In twelfth grade, I said: I've had enough.

I have tried so god damn hard to be good enough for everyone.

I’ve followed their instruction booklets and done exactly as they said, but somewhere along the way, I lost the only important instruction manual.

The one that told me how to be happy.

Being alive means fears

When we are young, we are scared of monsters under our beds. Daddies and Mommies tell their precious children that there are no monsters under our beds. As we grow older, we realize they are really in our heads....

Dark side- Kelly Clarkson

Oh oh oh, there's a place that I know

It's not pretty there and few have ever gone

If I show it to you now

Will it make you run away?

Or will you stay

Even if it hurts

Even if I try to push you out

Will you return?

And remind me who I really am

Please remind me who I really am

Everybody's got a dark side

Do you love me?

Can you love mine?

Nobody's a picture perfect

But we're worth it

You know that we're worth it

Will you love me?

Even with my dark side?

Like a diamond

From black dust

It's hard to know

What can become

If you give up

So don't give up on me

Please remind me who I really am

Bricks

I like to think that you are one of a kind. That you were meant for me, and me only.  You comfort me in ways none will understand.  You are always steady, always holding me up when I start to crumble and fall apart. I know you will never leave me. But I will leave you. Someday, I will grow too old for your company.  Someday, I will be sitting alone. Thinking of you. Missing your warmth. Remembering the secrets we shared.. Nobody will ask you to share the secrets I shared with you, for nobody knows our connection. 

You are my best friend. We have been friends for as long as i can remember... When mommy and daddy fought, throwing punches and vulgar words, I ran to you for comfort. I would bury my face into the ridges of your side. You would warm me, make the tears stop. I knew things would be okay someday soon. 

We used to play pretend. Princesses living in a tower. Cinderella living in a cottage. Dorthy, waking up in Munchkin Land. 

Writing on this blog is the hardest thing i have had to deal with since my freshman year (Read my colors post to understand)
It gives me so much anxiety.
I worry that it is not good enough for people to enjoy. 
I fear that my blog is too depressing. 
We read blogs in class, and mine is never one of them. 
It makes me feel as though mine is  inadequate.

I know that that is not the case, but i cant help but feel it. 

Do any of you feel this way?


Please tell me i am not alone...

Love

I love the rain.

The smell of damp earth.

I love the warmth of a summer sun.

The pull of the waves in the ocean.

The beauty of the stars.

The feel of flannel pjs.

The texture of marshmallows.

The fizz of the first sip of a coke.

The juiciness of a peach.

The softness of a kitty.

The sounds puppies make when nursing.

The peacefulness of cemeteries 

I love the sound of my mother laughing.

The sound of kitties purring. 

The boom of thunder.

The flash of lighting. 

I love cuddling when it snows.

I love kissing in a rainstorm. 

I love laying under the stars with bae.

I love to love. 

I can't help but worry about what people think of my blog...
Is it actually good?
What could i do to make it better?

Here is my REAL post about robots

So, I am like 75% positive that i am a human rather than a robot.

Robots cannot possibly feel the things i feel as a human.

Sometimes, I become livid for no freaking reason at all. I become vindictive, belligerent, and spiteful.
A lot of the time, my boyfriend says i am more hostile than a cat backed against a wall. (He is such an ass sometimes)
I'm cranky and sarcastic. Sometimes, my sarcasm affects people more than i intend.

I'm kind of scared of everything. More often than not, i feel disoriented and uneasy. My fear of everything makes me distrust everysinglething. Hell, I jump at the sound of my dog snoring.

Periodically, I feel disconnected. Downtrodden and wistful... Sometimes getting out of bed is hard because the feelings of inconsolable hopelessness are so strong...

Occasionally, when i don't feel those things, I feel content and optimistic. I see the bright side of things. I feel rapturous.

I am pretty sure I'm a human.

Robots

So, i struggled to find something to write about for this post so i googled random facts about robots. They are killers. In 1981 a robot am landed on a Japanese factory worker and he died.

I have writers block

So, I have writers block, so i googled random things to write. 

Here's the website i stole it from

http://www.randomthingstodo.com/list/write

1) When someone says to pass a note 📝in school erase what they said and write something else.

2) Write a note saying "sorry about the damage on your car" and put it on a random car.

3) Write "Free Gumballs" on a piece of paper, and tape it to a gumball machine, and watch.

4) Put a sticky note under a mouse (for a computer) and write GOTCHA on it. It'll make it not work and someone will go crazy trying to figure it out

5) Write "turn over" on both sides of a paper and hand it to someone really stupid.

6) Tell your friend your gonna buy him an x box. Buy a box, write X on it and give it to him

7) Write creepy notes and hide them in books at the library.

8) Write your phone number on a helium balloon and set it free. See if you get a call.

9) Get piece of paper, write turn over on both sides and give to someone dumb.

10) Go to school early and write on the white board "(your name), YOU are the chosen one!" Then leave and enter the class normally like everyone else.

11) Write the word "Nothing" on your hand, and when someone asks whats on your hand, say NOTHING!

12) Go on a walk and write random things on a paper and stick them places for other people to see.

13) Write your name backwards.

14) On a small piece of paper write, "I'm watching you." Then slip it into someone's locker.

15) Try to draw with the hand you don't write with.

16) Write nothing on a piece of paper. Act like there's a big fat secret in it. And give it to a person.

17) Write a note that says "excuse me, but why r u reading my note?" And leave it around the house

18) Draw with your eyes closed and with the hand you don't usually write with... See what happens!

19) Put up a lost unicorn poster and at the bottom write "if found... get your eyes checked"

20) Put a WANTED sign with a pic of an ant and write Last seen at the park i miss him if you find him call me. and then put your phone # to see who calls

21) Write "My Diary" on a single sheet of paper, and scream when someone reads it.

22) Use chalk to write your name on a busy side walk when people walk past scream "your on my territory".

23) Write a note saying "pass this on, laugh and see what the teacher does" and pass it around a class.

24) Write on a piece of paper "There are foot steps on the ceiling" pass it around and watch them look.

25) Tape a picture of a cow onto a noticeboard or pole and write; 'Lost Dog'.

#Different

So, I have been struggling to find something to write for this post...

Yesterday, I got my inspiration...

I finally got to see my little brother. He is 2. He walked over to me for a hug and stopped. He picked up my arm and turned it.

He did and said something i will never forget.

He said "Ow." and kissed the cuts on arm.

I cried and realized that i am not only hurting myself by self harming, i am hurting other people too.


I will be different.

When i feel like hurting my self, i will color a picture.
I will listen to music.

I will think of my baby brother.

Happy song - BRING ME THE HORIZON

I know that a lot of my posts are sad and depressing, and i apologize.
So, let me write something cheerful. Sort of.

S.P.I.R.I.T.
Spirit, let's hear it
S.P.I.R.I.T.
Spirit, let's hear it
Let's go!

I've had enough
There's a voice in my head
Says I'm better off dead

But if I sing along
A little fucking louder to a happy song
I'll be alright

You want to give up
Gave it all that you've got and it still doesn't cut

But if you sing along
A little fucking louder to a happy song
You'll be just fine 'cause

Every now and again we get that feeling
And the great big void inside us opens up
And I really wish that you could help
But my head is like a carousel
And I'm going round in circles
I'm going round in circles

S.P.I.R.I.T.
Spirit, let's hear it
S.P.I.R.I.T.
Spirit, let's hear it

We are possessed
We're all fucked in the head
Alone and depressed

But if we sing along
A little fucking louder to a happy song
Maybe we'll forget 'cause

Every now and again we get that feeling
And the great big void inside us opens up
And I really wish that you could help
But my head is like a carousel
And I'm going round in circles
I'm going round in circles

Don't wake us up, we'd rather just keep dreaming
'Cause the nightmares in our heads are bad enough
And I really wish that you could help
But my head is like a carousel
And I'm going round in circles
I'm going round in circles

The world has coalesced
Into one giant mess
Of hate and unrest
So let's all sing along
A little goddamn louder to a happy song
And pretend it's all ok

Let's go!

So sing along
Let's sing along
A little fucking louder
A little fucking louder
Well, don't you feel so much better?

S.P.I.R.I.T.
Spirit, let's hear it (well, that's the spirit)

S.P.I.R.I.T.
Spirit, let's hear it (yeah, that's the spirit)

Colors

Go back to childhood and see that

I was yellow. full of optimism and imagination. 

I was green, full of youth and vigor. 

I was orange full of energy and enthusiasm. 

I was white full of goodness and innocence.

Flash forward to fifth grade and see that

I discovered that I am a rainbow. 

I liked GIRLS and BOYS

Skip to the next year and see that

I was blue... 

Empty of the bright colors

Filled instead with sadness and depression.

Skip two years into the future. 

Once again, I am filled with yellow

I had just seen the two pink lines centered on a white stick. 

I was green with fertility. 

I was going to be a mommy. 

Go forward three months.... 

I was now black... 

Filled with sadness...grief... unhappiness...

I was not to be a mommy....

I feel like everyone needs to watch this...

Sometimes we do not see what our words and actions do, and we do not see how badly we are hurting others. 

This video is literally the best thing that has ever happened to me.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=ltun92DfnPY

Crayons

Crayons remind me of the days before I had to raise myself.

Before mommy did meth.

Before daddy left.

Before we became a broken family

And I became a broken girl.

Crayons are important to me.

They help me go back to simpler times.

Before I knew what sex was.

Before I got pregnant

 and then lost the baby.

What it felt like to get so drunk that i puked for days

just so i could forget the baby i should've had...

Crayons help me relive the times before,

Before I got so depressed that I couldn't leave my bed for weeks. 

Before self harm became a regular thing.

Before my little sister was too scared to walk into my room, 

because she was afraid that the night before,

 I had tried to die, 

just like many of my friends already had. 

Crayons remind me that once, things were okay

and maybe they will be again.

Insert judgement here:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=_z1aJvUTXUY

If i could add emoji's, i would totally add the one that is laughing and crying at the same time.

Sometimes, we need to just stop being sad and watch animals eat.

So, 

I present to you, the videos I love most, 

How animals eat their food.

Part one :

www.youtube.com/watch?v=iUcqT5zpZ5E

Part Two :

www.youtube.com/watch?v=iUcqT5zpZ5E

Hats

         We all wear hats, even if they are not placed upon our head for all to see. 

Some people wear the hats of daughters and sons, of students or teachers. 

Graduates and dropouts. 

I wear a few hats myself.

 Some I am not proud to wear, but I have grown so attached, I cannot remove them. 

No matter how hard I might try. 

I wear the hat of a bitch. 

Of being a brutally honest teen. 

I wear the hat of a one night stand my parents cannot stand.

 I wear the hat of a sister that none want to be like.

 I wear the hat of a girlfriend whose boyfriend is no longer in love with.

I wear the hat of a girl that is too broken to love. 

 In Jr. High, I wore the hat of a slut, something I am not proud of.  

It wasn't even true, but i wore it anyhow.

The more hats the better, i suppose. 

The link below is perfect for this post. Please Listen.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=SbqjFiDjwnI

www.youtube.com/watch?v=FzI6yTq6HgM

Pretty much. 

Music happens to be the only only thing that keeps me going...

Music is the way to the soul <3 www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ZOG6h7cLWA

MONSTER

I will never be like them. They gave me up for crystal and heat. Bittersweet skunk and lighters. They are monsters. I am just me. Simple, drugless me. I promise to be free. A promise made almost a decade ago, a promise I swore on my life to keep, I failed. I ripped that promise by the seams and held a flame beneath it. I watched it go up in flames until I couldn’t see anything through the smoke. Oh, wait. That’s not burning promises I smell. This is different. This is the bittersweet skunk smell I could never figure out as a child. I thought it was just our daddy’s cologne. It never left them. It was a natural smell. Literally. Call me weak or reckless or whatever it is that you think I am, but I am not a monster. 

Who am I?

To my mother it means pain and sadness because it belongs to someone who never existed the way she had hoped they would. Someone she wanted to know. Who she hoped would be an “A” student, a social butterfly, someone that’s responsible. 

To my kid sister it means disgrace and brings refusal. Refusal to ever follow the example set before her. She will never play Simon says. 

To my dad, it means hatred so strong it makes his blood boil and he sees only red and feels the rush of adrenaline. 

To the baby I love with every fiber of my being it means nothing to him. It is the name of a person he will never know because it is a name too taboo to ask about. 

To me it means regret and shame and hopelessness. I am the regret of a failed relationship. A shame to the family’s name. There is no hope for change because the past never changes. My name is too many mixed up feelings. 

Now, I have taken the name of The Queen of Hearts. Foul Tempered and NOT TO BE MESSED WITH.