So...
I swear a lot
I take a billion selfies but still don't feel pretty.
I spend too much time over thinking everysinglelittlething.
I'm kind of really a bitch.
Socializing gives me anxiety.
I had a panic attack in the mall today.
I'm kind of a total fucking mess.






I am Kellie Lees.

Honestly my heart feels like it is shattering...

Every time I see you, hear you or think of you, it hurts me.

You don't love me anymore and I hate it...

I hate knowing that I'll never again be held by you...

Never be kissed by you...

 I hate knowing that I'll never feel your lips tickle my ear when you tell me you love me while I lie beneath you...

I hate knowing that I will never be able to say "we've been together since high school"

You promised me forever and then you took that promise and ripped it from the seams...

You broke my heart and shattered my happiness....

I will never forgive you....

Blue ticket

Our hearts are wild animals.... That's why our RIBS are cages....

Instructions

In third grade, a girl at my new school told me "if you weren't so weird, people would play with you"

In fourth grade, a boy punched me in the face and said, “You’re a freak. You should work on that.”

In fifth grade, a girl came up to me and said "if you cut and maybe dyed your hair, we could be friends"

In sixth grade, a boy told me "if you lost weight and wore makeup, you would be pretty."

In seventh grade, people told me, “You should go kill yourself, you’re a freak”

In eighth grade, people told me, "You should swallow some pills and slit your wrists."

In ninth grade, a boy said "The sex is great, don't get me wrong, but nobody could ever love a bitch with a bunch of nasty ass scars."

In eleventh grade, people told me "you should drink bleach and be the next Amanda Todd. Life would be better for everyone"

In twelfth grade, I said: I've had enough.

I have tried so god damn hard to be good enough for everyone.

I’ve followed their instruction booklets and done exactly as they said, but somewhere along the way, I lost the only important instruction manual.

The one that told me how to be happy.

Being alive means fears

When we are young, we are scared of monsters under our beds. Daddies and Mommies tell their precious children that there are no monsters under our beds. As we grow older, we realize they are really in our heads....

Dark side- Kelly Clarkson

Oh oh oh, there's a place that I know

It's not pretty there and few have ever gone

If I show it to you now

Will it make you run away?

Or will you stay

Even if it hurts

Even if I try to push you out

Will you return?

And remind me who I really am

Please remind me who I really am

Everybody's got a dark side

Do you love me?

Can you love mine?

Nobody's a picture perfect

But we're worth it

You know that we're worth it

Will you love me?

Even with my dark side?

Like a diamond

From black dust

It's hard to know

What can become

If you give up

So don't give up on me

Please remind me who I really am

Bricks

I like to think that you are one of a kind. That you were meant for me, and me only.  You comfort me in ways none will understand.  You are always steady, always holding me up when I start to crumble and fall apart. I know you will never leave me. But I will leave you. Someday, I will grow too old for your company.  Someday, I will be sitting alone. Thinking of you. Missing your warmth. Remembering the secrets we shared.. Nobody will ask you to share the secrets I shared with you, for nobody knows our connection. 

You are my best friend. We have been friends for as long as i can remember... When mommy and daddy fought, throwing punches and vulgar words, I ran to you for comfort. I would bury my face into the ridges of your side. You would warm me, make the tears stop. I knew things would be okay someday soon. 

We used to play pretend. Princesses living in a tower. Cinderella living in a cottage. Dorthy, waking up in Munchkin Land. 

Writing on this blog is the hardest thing i have had to deal with since my freshman year (Read my colors post to understand)
It gives me so much anxiety.
I worry that it is not good enough for people to enjoy. 
I fear that my blog is too depressing. 
We read blogs in class, and mine is never one of them. 
It makes me feel as though mine is  inadequate.

I know that that is not the case, but i cant help but feel it. 

Do any of you feel this way?


Please tell me i am not alone...