Who am I?

To my mother it means pain and sadness because it belongs to someone who never existed the way she had hoped they would. Someone she wanted to know. Who she hoped would be an “A” student, a social butterfly, someone that’s responsible. 

To my kid sister it means disgrace and brings refusal. Refusal to ever follow the example set before her. She will never play Simon says. 

To my dad, it means hatred so strong it makes his blood boil and he sees only red and feels the rush of adrenaline. 

To the baby I love with every fiber of my being it means nothing to him. It is the name of a person he will never know because it is a name too taboo to ask about. 

To me it means regret and shame and hopelessness. I am the regret of a failed relationship. A shame to the family’s name. There is no hope for change because the past never changes. My name is too many mixed up feelings. 

Now, I have taken the name of The Queen of Hearts. Foul Tempered and NOT TO BE MESSED WITH.